My Totally Honest (and Slightly Embarrassing) Guide to Bouldering Lingo
Oh man, where do I even start? So picture this: it's me, two years ago, standing in the climbing gym wearing brand new shoes that hurt like crazy (spoiler alert: I bought them way too small because someone told me they're supposed to be tight 🤦♂️).
I'm covered in chalk because, well, that's what everyone else was doing, right? And I'm trying SO hard to look like I belong there.
Then this super fit guy walks past and goes, "Yo, sick beta on that dyno, but watch the barn door!" and I'm just standing there nodding like I totally understand while thinking "Is he speaking English? Did I accidentally walk into a farm-themed gym?"
If you're reading this and thinking "OMG, that's literally me right now!" - welcome to the club! Pull up a crash pad and let me spill all the embarrassing stories that led to me finally understanding what the heck everyone was talking about.
The "What Are These Things on the Wall?" Phase
First up - the holds. Oh boy, the holds...
The Jug Life: You know that feeling when you're hanging on for dear life and suddenly grab what feels like the handle of a massive coffee mug? THAT'S A JUG! Honestly, jugs are like finding a McDonald's in the middle of nowhere when you're starving. They're pure joy when everything else feels impossible.
True story: I once got so excited finding a jug after a series of terrible holds that I actually shouted "THANK YOU!" at the wall. People stared. I didn't care. We've all been there... right? 😅
Crimps (aka The Finger Destroyers): My first encounter with a crimp went something like this:
Me: "There's nothing to hold here." Gym Regular: "It's a crimp!" Me: "A what?" Gym Regular: "Just grab the edge!" Me: tries to grab it "NOPE."
Fun fact: I now own THREE different types of finger tape because of crimps. They're like those friends who are terrible influences but somehow make you a better person in the end.
The "What Does That Even Mean?" Dictionary
Let me share the most awkward moment of my climbing life (so far). Picture this: I'm working on this problem, and this super nice guy comes up and says, "Want some beta?" I panic and reply, "Oh no thanks, I already have a fish."
THE SILENCE. THE STARES. THE CONFUSION.
Turns out "beta" is just fancy climber talk for "hey, want some tips on how to do this?" Why couldn't they just say that?! 🤷♀️
Here's my real-talk translation of other weird climbing terms I've learned:
"Send it!" = Just do the thing! (Not actually related to mailing anything)
"Project" = That one problem that's living rent-free in your head
"Flash" = Showing off by doing it perfect first try (I have like, two of these, and yes, I'm still bragging about them)
The Safety Stuff (Because I Actually Care About You)
Okay, storytime! Remember when I said I was covered in chalk earlier? Well, what I DIDN'T have was a spotter. Big mistake. HUGE. Know how I found out? Let's just say the term "cheese grater" got a whole new meaning that day. 😬
Here's what I wish someone had told me:
Crash pads aren't optional. They're not just fancy floor mattresses (though I've definitely napped on one during a long session).
Spotters are your guardian angels. My friend Jake is literally the reason I still have all my teeth.
When someone yells "SPOT!", they're not playing a game of I-spy. They need help, like, NOW.
Indoor vs Outdoor: A Tale of Two Climbs
The first time I went outdoor bouldering, I spent 15 minutes looking for the colored tape telling me where to go. My friend was like, "Uh... nature doesn't work like that." WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!
Indoor climbing is like bowling with the bumpers up - everything's color-coded, padded, and there's usually a smoothie bar nearby. Outdoor climbing? That's like being dropped in the wilderness with nothing but your wits and a brush. (Yes, we brush rocks. No, I can't explain why to non-climbers without sounding crazy.)
The "I Think I'm Getting Better?" Phase
Want to know how you know you're becoming a real climber? When you start saying things like:
"This V2 is totally sandbagged" (translation: this is way harder than it should be and I refuse to accept that I might just be bad at it)
"The beta just didn't flow for me" (translation: I fell. A lot.)
"I'm just not feeling it today" (translation: I'm tired but don't want to admit it)
The Community Vibe
Here's the absolute best thing about climbing - we're all weirdos! Like, where else can you:
Wear shoes that make your feet look like rubber bananas
Cover yourself in dust on purpose
Grunt loudly in public and have it be totally normal
Fall down repeatedly and have people cheer you on
I once saw a guy in a full Spider-Man costume crushing V7s. Nobody even blinked. THAT'S the kind of community we're talking about!
Real Talk: You Got This!
Look, if I can go from asking what a jug is to writing this guide, you're gonna be just fine. Will you say something dumb? Probably. Will you put your crash pad in the wrong spot? Almost definitely. Will you try to climb the wall divider instead of an actual problem? (Just me? Cool.)
But here's the thing - every single person at that gym has their own collection of embarrassing stories. We just keep coming back because: a) It's addictive b) The community is amazing c) Where else can you legitimately chalk up your hands like a gymnast and not get weird looks?
So grab those too-tight shoes, embrace the chalk life, and come join our weird little family! And if you see someone looking lost and confused at the gym? Send them this guide. We've all been there!
Peace out, future crushers! ✌️
P.S. - If anyone tells you they've never accidentally used the wrong color holds, they're lying. Even the pros have ended up on the completely wrong wall at some point. It's basically a rite of passage!
P.P.S. - Yes, my fingers still look like they've been through a war. No, my mom still doesn't understand why I'm excited about this.